stop that subconscious!

I'm pretty sure my subconscious is testing me, and I'm pretty annoyed at it.

I know I can't control my dreams, but they are getting super annoying. All this self-doubt relationship crap. Ok, so maybe I have some unspoken wedding/relationship fears that I haven't talked about to anyone because they'll think that it means that I'm not ready to get married. But seriously, does my subconscious really have to remind me of this stuff every night?

Some of you have heard about these super annoying, conflicting dreams that I have been having lately.

Most of them have had to do with me being engaged to someone (usually Yannick) but not being exactly sure why I'm marrying him because he is an asshole. Then about halfway through, I remember that I'm engaged to someone else, but I can't remember his name. When I wake up, my first thoughts are "Jimmy! His name is Jimmy! AAAGHHHH!"

Sometimes my dreams are about me inadvertently cheating on him, and me being super worried about it because it wasn't my fault and what not and how am I ever going to tell him and oh why me!

And then I wake up, and thank goodness I haven't cheated on him (well, lately at least)* and imagine how terrible it would be if I had and vow never to cheat!

Ok, so I guess I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I felt like writing would be cathartic so I gave it a try.

Sorry for the rambling

*Ok, yes, I have cheated on Jimmy. But it was at the beginning-ish or our relationship and he knows about those times and has forgiven me and gotten over it.

when do you listen to fate?

So, most of you who know me probably know that I'm a fairly firm believer in fate. This is not to say that I don't also think that we have control over our lives, but a lot of times I like to narrow my options down and then let destiny/fate decide. I've done this for some major things in my life. For example, I basically let fate decide where I went to college. I applied to the schools that I was interested in, and believe that if I didn't get into my top choices (which I didn't) then I probably wasn't supposed to go there. That's how I ended up at Grinnell, and all in all, fate did a good job.

That being said, sometimes I worry about my relationship with Jimmy because of my relationship with fate. Although most times I do manipulate my fate to be what I want it to be, when the things I can't control happen I think that there's probably a reason. Thus, when Jimmy was denied twice for a student visa my natural inclination is to believe that maybe he's not supposed to come to the United States. I know that this is fairly illogical, and obviously I'm not listening to fate by pursuing another visa, but still, a part of me can't help but think that we are destined to fail because we pursued another avenue of immigration when clearly the signs said that he shouldn't come here, that maybe we shouldn't be together.

And, of course, there is always the other side of the issue, that maybe fate wanted to push us to work harder for a visa, to challenge us, and if we can survive than we deserve the happy outcome.

But all of this doesn't stop me from sometimes thinking that maybe we aren't supposed to be. As much as we love each other maybe fate has already given us our answer and we just haven't listened. And what will our fate be for not listening to fate...

PS: I know, this whole strong belief in fate is strange coming from someone who doesn't even believe in God.

Things are more like they are now than they ever were

Wow. Where to start. Alumni was really a strange experience full of varying extreme emotions. The most common was was a feeling of oddness. So don't be surprised if the words odd and strange are repeated dozens of times in this entry.

Even as my plane touched down in Des Moines, I was overcome with a very odd sensation. I felt the normality of arriving in Iowa, but also the strangeness that I hadn't been there in a year and a half. It felt familiar but at the same time very very different. This feeling was multiplied when I arrived on campus. I was so overwhelmed by the familiar and yet distinct feelings that were flooding me that it was almost too much for me. I don't really know how to describe it. Mostly it was a feeling of shock that I spent 4 years there, and yet could still feel so out of place and uncomfortable on campus.

Staying in the dorms was odd, because I felt very isolated solely on the fact that I was completely reliant on someone else to let me enter. That in itself was a strange feeling.

Seeing the people that I am not very close with was pretty much exactly how I expected, it was seeing the people that I was excited to see that was so strange. It felt awkward in a way. In addition, I felt like I didn't really have time to hang out with them and talk and find out how life is in the way that we used to be able to do. I think this was a mix of already having some idea of how our lives are going, having tons of planned activities that we were supposed to attend, and just the normality of not living in the same place and seeing each other on a regular basis anymore.

On the upside, I did meet some interesting older alums and that was really nice. I had some stimulating conversation with a couple of them that was quite unexpected.

I guess I came to some realizations because of this trip:

1) Despite not feeling like it on a regular basis, I am in a very different place in my life than a lot of my friends, especially students.

2) college life is really different (at least for me) than post college life.

3) I think I like post college life more, although I wouldn't mind the part of college life where you get to see your friends on a daily basis

4) I'm not quite sure how to relate to a lot of people anymore.

5) I really wish that Jimmy had been able to be there so that he could understand that part of my life and how it has shaped me.

6) Part of me wants to go back to college, but like I said before, I think it's really mostly the community aspect because the partying, raucous shenanigans thing is mostly not for me.

7) I'm glad that my life is relatively drama free, although drama still is entertaining as long as it's happening to other people

I also think that the fact that school was not in session was a big thing for me. I think it made the feel of campus very different and more isolating.

So yeah, it was a very interesting experience and I'm definitely glad I went. It wasn't however, the amazing weekend that I had imagined/hoped for.

Still, it was nice to see old friends and make new ones.

oops

Well, I guess 3 days in a row was just too much to ask for. Actually, what happened is that my day is really busy from 12 until 10 on Wednesdays and before 12 I just felt there wasn't anything to say yet.

All my life, I've always considered there to be a difference between "love" and "in love". People always asked me what exactly "in love" was, and I generally described it as the difference that you feel between a boyfriend and a family member. But now I'm not sure. I'm questioning my own notions. I've always thought that when you were "in- love" with someone you would just know. But how do you know? I definitely love Jimmy, and I think I'm in love with him, but since I don't just know does that mean I'm not? But I know I want to spend my life with him, that I want to go through the good times and the bad times with him, but I still don't feel head over heels in love.

The best way for me to describe how I thought you would just know is to use a fairly personal story. So if you don't want to hear about my masturbation life, I suggest you stop reading now.

When I was younger (around when I was 14-15) I couldn't orgasm. I still masturbated a fair amount, but there was never any climax. Don't get me wrong, it still felt good. It felt very good. But there was no peak, so I usually just stopped when I got bored or tired. I was not quite entirely sure that there was no orgasm because I had never had one before. So I referred to Maya. She explained that when you orgasm, you just know. So I kept on masturbating, and kept on not ever knowing, so I figured no orgasm. Or I questioned Maya's advice that you just know. At around age 16 I finally had an orgasm. I believe it was from the jets in my bathtub, in case you were curious. In any case, I finally had one, and like she said, i just knew. And that's what I always thought it would be like when you were "in love". But then again, even before Jimmy, I've looked back on relationships with guys that I thought i was in love with, only to realize that there was no way I was in love with them.

Which leads me to question my theory of "in love" in the first place. What is it really? Does it even really exist? Or is being "head over heels in love" just something in fairy tales and Hilary Duff movies? Or maybe it does exist for some people, and not for other people?

Oh well. I guess I just have to accept things how they are.

day 2

So here I am, day 2 and still writing. Well, at least I will have 2 consecutive days. We'll see tomorrow if 3 will make the cut.

I am really excited about this weekend, but I don't feel as excited as I should be. I'm so happy about seeing all of my friends that I haven't seen in 2 years, and really getting to party college style. But still, I don't feel as excited as I think I should be. I don't know if it's that I only have a few close friends that I'm REALLY excited to see, or that I'm sad campus won't have the same feel to it since it will be the first weekend of fall break, or if I'm just jumping ahead to far, and not excited because once this is over, I don't have anything to look forward to for a long time.

A month and a half ago, here is how I got through time and loneliness:

"well, it's ok, alumni is soon! I'll be in Grinnell Oct. 15th. That's only a month and a half away"

"And after alumni then I get to see Jimmy! In December, thats only 2 months after alumni".

But now that alumni is almost here, and I'm facing two months until the next thing I'm looking forward to, two months is feeling like a really long time.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I need more things to look forward to to help pass the time until I get to see Jimmy. I'm open to suggestions....

I'm going to start writing again

Hi Guys,

I know it's been a while but I've decided to start writing again. These posts probably won't be as interesting as before since I'm no longer abroad, and instead I'm working a normal 9-5 job, but at least I'm writing. Mostly I've decided to start writing as a way to release some of this pain/stress that I'm going through. Since, ya know, I've heard writing is cathartic.

So here's where I'll start.

This whole thing sucks. It hurts so much. I find myself close to tears or in tears almost everyday. Sometimes these tears are triggered by the pain of being apart from Jimmy, other times...more pathetic. I find myself on the verge of tears because a mom on a TV show had a baby, or someone died, or there was some happy connection between long lost relatives. It's pathetic. Also, I think there are very few episodes of Grey's Anatomy where I haven't cried. I'm not sure if this says something about me or about the show, but the point is: I cry. A lot.

So let me catch you up if you don't talk to me regularly.

I am engaged to a Peruvian man named Jimmy. Our 1 year anniversary just passed. Since the end of July I have been living in California (at my parents' house, obvi) and Jimmy is in Peru in our old apartment. We have filed a K-1 (Fiance visa) and are awaiting some news about the visa.

The hardest part about this visa is the unknown. The visa could go through really quickly (in just a month or two) or it could go through really slowly (between 6 and 9 months). So right now we are just waiting. I'm trying to keep busy with work and stuff, but honestly, I don't have very many friends here to keep me busy when I'm not at work. So if you live in the Bay Area, hit me up.

The petition for the K-1 visa was officially filed on September 23rd. So far it's been 18 days and I'm already getting antsy.

I think I need more things to look forward to. Luckily I will at least be distracted this weekend as I am heading to Grinnell for ALUMNI! woo! My first alumni weekend as an alumnus!

I suppose this is a start to reviving this blogging thing. But the tone has definitely changed, and who knows if this new "woe is me" style will even bring in any readers.

So if you are reading, I'd just like to say: Thanks.

bogota

So far in Bogota I have seen/met:

1 annoying Canadian guy
3 annoying British guys
1 homeless man who marched back and forth with distinction in front of a statue in a plaza
2 police officers who decided to fuck with the homeless man by standing in his way as he attempted to march.
1 homeless man with green hair and a metal rod who tried to ask me for money
1 old homeless man with a bicycle who hit on me
1 old lady who told me to put honey and cinnamon on my face to combat acne

So far my opinion of Bogota is......

I miss Peru.