oops

Well, I guess 3 days in a row was just too much to ask for. Actually, what happened is that my day is really busy from 12 until 10 on Wednesdays and before 12 I just felt there wasn't anything to say yet.

All my life, I've always considered there to be a difference between "love" and "in love". People always asked me what exactly "in love" was, and I generally described it as the difference that you feel between a boyfriend and a family member. But now I'm not sure. I'm questioning my own notions. I've always thought that when you were "in- love" with someone you would just know. But how do you know? I definitely love Jimmy, and I think I'm in love with him, but since I don't just know does that mean I'm not? But I know I want to spend my life with him, that I want to go through the good times and the bad times with him, but I still don't feel head over heels in love.

The best way for me to describe how I thought you would just know is to use a fairly personal story. So if you don't want to hear about my masturbation life, I suggest you stop reading now.

When I was younger (around when I was 14-15) I couldn't orgasm. I still masturbated a fair amount, but there was never any climax. Don't get me wrong, it still felt good. It felt very good. But there was no peak, so I usually just stopped when I got bored or tired. I was not quite entirely sure that there was no orgasm because I had never had one before. So I referred to Maya. She explained that when you orgasm, you just know. So I kept on masturbating, and kept on not ever knowing, so I figured no orgasm. Or I questioned Maya's advice that you just know. At around age 16 I finally had an orgasm. I believe it was from the jets in my bathtub, in case you were curious. In any case, I finally had one, and like she said, i just knew. And that's what I always thought it would be like when you were "in love". But then again, even before Jimmy, I've looked back on relationships with guys that I thought i was in love with, only to realize that there was no way I was in love with them.

Which leads me to question my theory of "in love" in the first place. What is it really? Does it even really exist? Or is being "head over heels in love" just something in fairy tales and Hilary Duff movies? Or maybe it does exist for some people, and not for other people?

Oh well. I guess I just have to accept things how they are.